Why do I care?

Why? why? why!? ok, so of course Tom Waits is sort of an immortal figure and, sure, Scarlett is kind of a babe but, really, it's unnatural for me to be concerned with this "Anywhere I Lay My Head" bullshit. just in case you're behind on this one, on May 20, our little starlet is releasing an album of ten Tom Waits cover songs. anyway, it's like when i was little and "Blue Chips" came out. let me explain...



I was eleven years old, right? I loved NBA basketball and, as if i couldn't love it any more, they came out with a movie starring Shaq and Penny. Then I watched it and was crushed. But I learned...at least I thought I learned. I learned that Shaquille O'neal is a basketball player, not an actor, and that no publicity stunt would ever fool me into believing otherwise again.

I guess fourteen years can tear at some pieces of one's memory. I just spent fifteen minutes of my life searching the internet for the "brand new, slam dunk, box office smash!" from Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers. songs've been posted online a number of times but've been promptly removed by the label laying the ground work for some Phenomenal Speculative Hype. Do I think it will be good? umm, i guess i don't really care one way or the other. will it wind up in my long-term music collection regardless of what it sounds like? quite likely, no. so what is the point, you may be asking? why do i, in posting this, allow myself to contribute to this horrible hype machine? well, it's a combination of two things, i think.

first, if i can't find a song after ten minutes of looking around on the internet, something is wrong. i've fully and seamlessly adapted into this Information Society and am ready to pounce, dig, research at the drop of a "what's that actor's name again?" it's a challenge that can't be passed up. in college, i used to play ultimate frisbee or basketball for a bit of competition but today, i sit on my computer and foam over an unattainable cover of a tom waits song. damn you, stereogum! how did you get it before me!? bastards! (see: machine guns firing, planes nosediving)

second, well, the second reason is pretty simple. the question is...which picture should we use? ah, yes. that one'll do just fine. in the words of Wayne and Garth, Scarlett Johansson, "we salute you, shaaawing!"



so what lesson have we learned today? well, first, Scarlett never played pro basketball. second, even in my naive eleven-year-old mind, i should've known better than to think Shaquille O'neal could've ever made a good actor. third, time wasted on scarlett johansson is time well spent. over and out.